Found making that video last week really, really helpful, as an easy, non-tiring way of summarising my last month or so, communicating and consolidating everything and I now have a record of what I was like last week! Which has been very useful to refer back to for comparison or to use to remind me what to say in appointments etc. - my memory is like soup without a bowl at the moment and my cognitive functions painfully snail-slow, I can’t afford (literally £££!) to waste time with Jane trying to scrabble about my mind for pointers to go over so playing back was an effective refresher :)
Anyway, so I made another one (in which I’m equally scruffy & nervous) as no less tired today and wanted to establish a few things for myself in relation to where I’ve come from last Monday (a fair way! I think/hope!) and say another thank you, to you(s).
Much much much love
I’m going to go sleep now (I find napping at dusk, then having a glass of wine and then slowly sinking into bed is the bee’s knees).
Oh almost forgot! My ma has been doing this odd practice throughout her life whenever she goes through something particularly profound and significant (having each of her children, losing my brother etc.) where she plants a tree - she told me that by having an external thing which she can nurture or visit or tend to, she feels as though she has a degree of control over when she is affected by it, especially with the more painful things. In the same way that there is a mossy gravestone in our local cemetery with Adam’s name engraved on it which we can visit and adorn, her tree for him is a little bit of sanctuary, sort of like a portal to him, so when she really misses him or is really feeling it, she can go an sit with his tree, water it, prune it, sing to it, whatever - but by having the source in an external location, it doesn’t feel like it’s bottled up inside of her, it’s liberated pain and grief, not debilitating her or trapping her in it’s black grip; both she and Adam get space.
Possibly crazy (ironic considering she’s a psychologist) but I love it. She said it took a long time for her to feel ok to externalise it, in the same way it takes you along time to feel ok laughing after somebody has died, she had to give herself permission to put Adam and the loss he epitomised down and not feel constricted to grief everyday.
I’m going to plant my first tree soon, magnolia, in this huge blue ceramic pot I found in a junk shop so I can bring it with me when I move away.
I feel a profound sense of gratitude that I’ve reached a point where I feel ok setting my past down, I feel ok choosing not to focus on what he did for a day, I no longer feel that I have to suffer it, that I have to think about it, have to live it. I feel ok choosing me. And whenever I feel a bit sore inside, or a bit of grief, or anger or pain, I can go sit with my tree, and think. I can set aside time to think, and focus on her (little Katie), but equally I can live my life rather than hers. By no means does that mean I’m leaving her or moving on from her, I’m moving on, but with her.
Incoherent recovery musings!! So tangled, sorry!